If you write about yourself you open yourself up for people interpreting your words however they want. Throwing them back at you however they want.
It’s a lot safer not to think about your behavior. It’s a lot safer not to write about your screw ups. Then you get to pretend you are awesome and you are always right.
It is hard being willing to admit that you fuck up, and not just “Yes of course everyone makes mistakes get over it” but “Oh dear me yes I screw up and let me list all of the ways and then go on to list everything I am trying to do to stop screwing up like that so I can instead make new mistakes.”
Vulnerability is a bitch.
People can love you and still be cruel to you. People judge each other left, right, and center. But what kinds of judgments are equivalent and what kinds are really awful?
What do you let into your life? When do you decide to change patterns? What is enough of a motivation? I don’t know.
I am so tired. I feel really sad and scared. I am not going to blog about all of why. I don’t feel safe enough to do so. I don’t want to face the consequences because I am a fucking chicken shit. So instead I ruminate and make no progress. Walking on eggshells, indeed.
25,040 words and counting.
